Ok, I'm so annoyed with myself right now. I'm a hopeless pig. That's right. BINGE NIGHT. *Epic Failure*

I did so well today to start off with. Had a 424 Cal intake which I was quite happy with. It consisted of:

B - Apple, Green Tea 55/1

L - 3/4 Cup a soup 81

Teaspoon of Mustard 8

S - 4 rice cakes with tablespoon of Nutella (tastes SO fucking good by the way) 205

I planned to have nothing for dinner. (Hah!)

Mistake happened when I visited a friend after work. Why oh why didn't I just go home?? *Sigh*
Ready for this major fuck up?.........

Veges w/ rice, only a v. small portion (not too bad)...
Nuts...okayy, easy now...
Potato chips...fuck.
Tofu dog....BREAD. AT NIGHT. WTF.
More chips....
Coke Zero...that won't help you now.

Went home. So pissed by this point, but that doesn't stop me. I am now a woman possessed.

5 choc chip cookies AND nutella on top?????
POPCORN *shoots self*
more coke...

I am a disgrace, I know. My belly is so full and gross I can hardly bare to inhabit this body any longer.
The bite of remorse stung, and made the idea of purging very enticing. Alas, I can't bring myself to do it.
So I take some laxatives instead.

*Hangs head in shame*
I think the problem was not eating enough to satisfy me during the day.
AND having all that food in my face.

To make matters worse, I was watching The Janice Dickinson Model Agency after I binged.
She was complaining that she didn't want plus size models in her agency because they were just plain old FAT people to her, she said "I'll sign you up with my agency, then put you on a diet."
She even destroys her thin models if they have a bit of fat anywhere on their bodies and beats the shit out of them for it, so I wasn't too surprised with her reaction.
To her, thin is beautiful and plus size was just a sugar-coated name for LARD ARSE.
She was so harsh that one started crying, but she didn't care and she would never change her mind.
I don't blame her though, because at the end of the day, nobody wants to stare at fat people in tight clothing.
Just seeing a fat person walk past puts me off of my lunch. So why was big ever considered "beautiful"?
I might sound like a bitch...but I'm just stating facts.
In all honesty, I don't know how obese people live with themselves. Do they enjoy the chore of having to lift their rolls of flab in order to scrub underneath while in the shower? I just don't get it.
I would stitch my lips together if I ever end up looking like that.

Any words of wisdom for this defeated soul?
I never want to eat again. I don't deserve food.

This calls for some much needed thinspo.



 





A. x

Hi Everyone, I'm new to xanga. I wanted to have a place to write down my thoughts and feelings.
Things I can't tell anybody and hope to get feed back from those that understand and are going through the same things. I'm 19 and I hate my body. Although I once though of myself as "skinny", I feel as I'm getting older, my body isn't as thin as it was before. I hate my thighs, they are way too big for my body and I'm starting to get a gut, which quite frankly scares the hell out of me. I try to cut back on food as I can't afford to go to the gym, but I feel like everything I do isn't enough. I can't see any results and barely do the scales either.

But although I have tried to reduce my intake, most of the time I don't make it and end up eating naughty foods or worse --binge.
I need advice and support and hope to get it here as I'm at my wits end and can't take being in this body any longer.

Needing thinspiration,

Abbey. x

P.S. I haven't put a photo of myself up yet because I don't like the way I look. When I get thinner I will definitely want to show my results. Instead, I have put up a pic of Jess from the Veronicas because I think she is beautiful and a true inspiration.